Here I am

It is a little hard to get spiritual about a karaoke experience.  And yet, here I am.

After a twelve hour work day and particularly pressured work week, in a lovely mixed up wind and sideways rain, I walked with a few friends from dinner at a corner restaurant to the historic National Bar in downtown Nevada City. Friday night. Karaoke night.

Though I have always been terrified of unnecessary attention – and more accurately, of exposing my over-ample inadequacies…. Despite my entirely undeveloped singing voice and highly strung nervous system…

I walked up to the small cocktail table, wrote my name and chosen song on a small piece of paper, and placed it in the jar. I thought that perhaps it was a good omen that my name-sake song, Brandy, was playing as I walked back to our low table. Even as I tried to hum along, I realized my voice was seizing in trepidation.

Breathe. Take a sip of water. My sweet friend looked at me and said, “Look around. No one here cares. If you hate it, drop the mic, and I’ll be right behind you walking out the door.” This helped a little.

Just two songs later, the tired, or perhaps bored, DJ called my name. As soon as I reached the microphone, I wrapped one arm across my body as if it were my old worn out blue security sweater from pre-school.  If I could have hidden behind myself, I would have.

The first few bars of “Here I am,” began to play – a classic country love ballad by Patty Loveless and the only song I know entirely by heart.

Don't do it darlin'

Don't you dare look in there

You said you didn't want to see me

But you've been lookin' for me everywhere

I think I can safely share that I was a little awful. Perhaps even a lot awful. My voice cracked more than once.

And you know that you're gonna find me

If you keep on drinkin' fast

'Cause honey, I'm right there waitin' on you

At the bottom of your glass

Here I am, here I am…

I believe I actually saw the DJ give a shrug to the audience as if to say, sorry, I have no control over this.

When the song finally ended, I walked back to our table and felt overwhelmed by the desire to cry. I wasn’t glorious. I might have made people cringe. 

And yet, it was OK. It was strangely WONDERFUL.

Some hours later, I’m only delighted with myself for doing something I was so deeply afraid of. Like traveling alone. Like making good but hard decisions. Like letting go of someone for the right reasons. I did it only for myself and for the simple reason that I have always wondered how it would feel.

There is a touching scene from the last Karate Kid movie that often comes to mind when I am trending towards fear. At the end of the movie our slight young hero has been injured in a tournament by a cheap shot to the legs. The doctor is explaining that he can’t go back in. Our hero is equally panicked and defiant about the prospect of having to quit. His instructor, Mr. Han, says, “You've already accomplished everything you wanted to. Why do you still want to fight?”

His answer -- “Because win or lose… I don't want to be afraid any more. And I'm still afraid.”

How amazing to find a place within your heart that allows for failure for the sheer purpose of gaining a foothold over fear. All I have ever hoped for was to love without fear – to live without fear. And here I am.

Recently I met a woman who is dying of cancer at too young an age. Her words continue to pulse:

“Don’t talk about it, don’t write about it, don’t think about it.  LIVE IT. Live in grace. Life is short. Be grateful.”

And so tonight, I honor these words of a brave and amazing woman who will soon not be with us. I honor Patty Loveless and her beautiful song. And I honor the part of me that is just beginning to try and fail. To try and succeed. To try. And try. And try again.

Here I am. 

Love on Everything

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep...

~ Kahlil Gibran

Only a few people know that I have been on a hard-core, take-no-prisoners mission for most of my life: to find peace, to experience deep and lasting happiness, and to live and love without fear.

Sounds kind of noble – but I assure you that it is not. It grew out of an intense longing to feel less uncomfortable, less scared, and less out of sorts in my own skin. Most of my movement in life, in fact, has been an attempt to navigate around an unseen, mysterious and truly undefinable fear.

Gratefully, there is a lot of motivation in discomfort. I have read countless books on the subjects of happiness, spirituality, and love. I have tried therapy, church, meditation, prayer, EFT, running, writing, ayurvedic herbs, and briefly, anti-anxiety medicine…all in attempts to meet the day with some semblance of grace.

You see, slaying the dragon of fear is an exhausting and never-ending job. Keeping the things you silently fear from actually happening?  This takes an unimaginable force of vigilance.

The only problem is – it doesn't actually work.

And it isn't truly living.

Ironically, relief finally came when I stopped making part of my Self the problem. I stopped looking at my own fear as the enemy. I began a new practice. When fear showed up, I called on the most nurturing internal voice I could muster, and it whispered back:  “I know baby… I know. I see you. I’ve got you. It’s OK.”  This voice (I like to call it Love) gives me the freedom to feel the feeling, and somehow let Love have at it.

And then I sing a mantra. I distract my mind from whatever it thinks is real at the moment and I give it something beautiful to latch onto.

In this way, my fear - which was really just strong emotion that I didn't want to look at - began to show me things; when I was uncomfortable, when I needed to shift directions… or simply change a thought. It showed me I still had memories to let go of, and that I needed to change my diet and to take up a lasting daily yoga practice. It showed me it was time for a new job and an extended trip abroad.

Imagine the surprise and relief to see that the dragon was nothing more than a puppet show on the wall. By simply turning the light in the other direction, the world actually lit up around me.

Kundalini yoga has been integral to adjusting my nervous system and strengthening my ability to see the world differently. The practice, mantra and discipline have been catalysts for positive change in my life, and are the key ingredients to a secret sauce I could never give up. But I know this won't be the recipe for everyone.

Happiness, however, is. And the real trick is in listening to and trusting that your own feelings will lead you to where you need to be. It is in believing that the Universe truly will take care of you – if you quit your job, follow a long-held dream or a fresh intuition, move on from a relationship, or even, just maybe, allow that part of you that you have never accepted, to live peacefully within you.

We each are whole and complete – nothing extra added. So love on all of it; the good and the so-called-bad. Then perhaps the true magic show will begin to show up and dance on all the walls around us.

Always in Love.

b.

Today Is the Day

“I always knew that one day I would take this road,

But yesterday, I did not know that today would be the day”

Nagarjuna

Some say there is a journey in each of us. Maybe we are simply the outpouring of some higher power’s journey – like the brilliant video game designer that says, “Let’s see what happens when we try THIS…” then simply lets go.

I believe we do have journeys within us – which began long ago; perhaps many lifetimes. What I do not know (yet) is what my particular journey is. And in the last year of my fourth decade on this planet – and for those of you not counting on your hand – that would actually be my 30s, not 40s, thank you very much – I wonder sometimes if I shouldn’t know by now.

I have many friends whose journeys have taken them into the breathtakingly humbling and beautiful world of parenthood and family and the sweet giving over to another’s needs before their own. Other friends have devoted themselves to a single cause – healthcare, building a school in Africa, the creative process, teaching, and the list of course goes on and on.

Throughout my life, I often perceived some new “destination” held the answer. I moved around a lot.  And I changed jobs a lot. I also dabbled in many religions and spiritual practices, spinning a simplified amalgamation that continues to bubble and stew. Lately, Kundalini Yoga breathed and stretched and powered its way generously into this little hotdish.  

Today, I feel more peaceful than ever – without the desire to change anything except the part of me that thinks that the answer, the destination, the road I must be on, is out there.  The whole journey has been happening within all this time.  A great forgiveness was necessary. A great acceptance is still in progress.  And an even greater and grander “letting go” is my secret and ultimate wish.

In nature, we see the utter fluidity and freedom of movement in birds and fish, or the flexible, mutable strength of plant-life. And in human nature, it is there too, in those few amazing souls who allow everything to just be - trusting that all is well, despite the melee others may be viewing in the same scene. The gorgeous result in all of these instances is that they flow, they glide and they get in the very groove with God in some sort of creative mash-up. 

Whether through meditation and breath work, prayer, or simple all-encompassing love - it can happen. We find that there is something beautiful to appreciate in every circumstance, every so-called “problem.” As humans, we have that extra cognitive capability to take complete ownership of our thoughts and what those thoughts are creating around us. And perhaps it is only Grace that allows us to release it back into the flow.

It is this grace I wish for myself. And it is this grace I wish for you today.

All my love,

b.

...But aren't Birds Aerodynamic?

The idea is to just stop. Just wait. Don't react. Therein lies the whole universe. Just don't react.
~ Yogi Bhajan


Driving back from a glorious day-trip to the east shore of Lake Tahoe, one of my closest friends and I were talking, seemingly without pause for breath, as we had been doing for the past five days of her visit. We covered everything from taboos: “What would you do if you saw a mother berating her daughter loudly at the airport?”- to God: “Do you really believe there is a heaven and a hell?” - to relationships: “How do you get over someone that you loved? Are we all just trying to find again the first person that we really loved?” As she expounded upon her preference for older gents, I saw something flicker from the left window.

Right. Into. My. Windshield.

I screamed. Oh my god, what was that? We both knew, but didn’t want to say that it was a bird. And it was, sadly, not likely still in this plane of existence. We circled back just to make sure. The small bird looked dead, but I thought I’d make one more run of it, so to speak. Apparently my subconscious has considerable Buddhist leanings – I aimed strategically - and missed him entirely. We looked at each other and agreed that he (or perhaps she) was already dead, so we kept driving.

“But aren’t birds supposed to be aerodynamic?” I kept asking. “Isn’t that just something that they ARE?” For several minutes my friend assured me that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I took a few of my kundalini yoga breaths. OK, OK, OK…. So anyway, back to conversation.

After several minutes… THWACK.

Unbelievably, another bird had hurled itself into my windshield and bounced off – a black bird. I fought back tears when I looked over at my friend. Oh my god, Brandy, what does this mean, her eyes screamed. And normally I would have some ridiculous pseudo-psycho-serious-b.s. answer about signs and symbols and messages from God and the Universe. But two dead birds in ten minutes… I was silenced.

My friend reminded me that everything passes from one existence into another – the birds are fine… onto the next “phase” – whatever that may be. Yet even with this reassurance, as soon as we got home I looked up the animal medicine card for Crow.

Crow medicine, as explained in the Native American animal wisdom teaching, reads: “There is a medicine story that tells of Crow’s fascination with her own shadow. She kept looking at it, scratching it, pecking at it, until her shadow woke up and became alive. Then Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now.”

Chills ran up both of our arms. It goes on to speak of crow as a magic shape-shifter, having the ability to be in several places at once, to bend the laws of the universe and change forms, and to see the physical world as the illusion that it is.

The beginning of the medicine card is what held my attention. My friend and I had been trying to solve the world’s problems over her week-long stay… at the very least, her recent divorce, several heartbreaks, an impending move. We talked of acceptance of what is… and then immediately tried to decipher what had gone wrong and what needed to happen next.

The crow message was clear: Stop looking for the answer to why something happened. Stop scratching at the scab. Stop trying to solve the problem. There is no problem. Staring at the shadow too long will only make you believe that darkness surrounds you. And the fact is… we only see our own shadows when we are looking in the opposite direction of our source of light.

Sometimes, it happens. Something comes out of nowhere – makes no sense at all, baffles us in terms of the laws of gravity and velocity – and slams with a shocking force. Whether a suddenly strained relationship, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a job, or the random anger of a stranger – it can feel akin to the impact of a moving vehicle.

But perhaps these unforseen “signs” and “shadows” are simply here to snap us to a waking state – to get present – and maybe, just maybe, to do nothing but lift our eyes off the ground and look in the direction of the lightest part of our life.

It means focusing, not on dead birds or “fixing” something amiss in our lives, but communing with dear friends, using our intuition to decipher the reality of right now, and enjoying the small but amazing gifts of every day.

Yes, birds and cars are aerodynamic, and husbands love their wives and good employees are rewarded with perfect jobs. Except when this isn’t true. What we limit ourselves into believing is that when birds lose their velocity too quickly and people fall out of love and the market goes south – that these aren’t all perfect alignments with the flow of what is next.

Crow is Dead Crow now. And so it is.

Wishing you oodles of love and happiness,

Brandy

Circles and Lines

"I live my life in growing orbits, which move out over the things of this earth. Perhaps I shall never achieve the last, but that will be my attempt. For I am circling around God. Around the ancient tower.  And I have been circling for a thousand years. And I still do not know if I am a falcon, or a storm, or a great song."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke


I have always adhered to the philosophy that each of us walks an individual path - some along a fairly straight trajectory, others meandering, circling back, forgetting the path, finding it and then diverging again.  The more scenic route, shall we say.

That's why I love the Rilke poem so much - the idea that instead of a long path from here to there - we are simply floating on air round and round, ever reaching new heights, expanding our perspective and vantage point.  Yet still somehow tethered to a central structure - our core, our heart, our soul's inner mission.

Why am I talking about circles and paths today?  Because after nearly five months in California - of soaking in the sun, friends and family... and sending out nearly 40 resumes and job applications... I have received three and only three call-backs.  And all three interviews are happening... now.  Life is funny, no?

And you want a little more irony? The opportunities are in the following locations:  1) Connecticut (yes... the very same Connecticut from which I just packed up my life and moved across the country, on purpose, not so long ago), 2) San Diego (the place from which I moved to Connecticut eleven years ago) and 3) Sacramento (the place from which I moved to San Diego two years prior to that).

If any of these opportunities become real offers, I will be making a turn back to a place I have already been.  Something familiar and known. As a wanderer by nature, this is not always the feeling that I seek.  I love different and new and challenging and those things that take my breath away because it's raw and untouched by my mind's eye. 

But this is one of the best tricks of life, isn't it?  To find a way to meet every single day as if it is the only one I've ever lived.  The only time I've seen that butterfly or touched that leaf or hugged my mom or giggled with a friend.

Perhaps there are times that you feel stuck… as though despite your desires, you are in the same place you were several months - or even several years ago.  But I am learning to see that with every new challenge that we take on or conquer…  With every new ounce of faith that confirms that life will and always does take care of us.  With every new desire to nurture the really important things in life - we are changed.

Life is always offering options to us... either encouraging us to stay the course... or to get our butts in gear and do something different.  If you feel stuck in Groundhogs Day – pay attention.  Keep listening and saying yes to the strongest feeling that comes to you.  Keep dreaming and expecting it all to work in your favor.  In time… it most surely will.  But you may have to take action.

I will keep you posted if there is any news to share – and believe me, I am quite ready to have this kind of news to share.  For now, I simply wish you all the loft and air beneath you – and the inner knowing to identify when the time is right to zoom zoom zoom towards everything that you've ever wanted. 

Love and hugs,
b.

Trust

Seems that I've been talking a lot about trust and faith to the people in my circle lately - and of course whenever others are talking about something... I remember how closely life resembles a mirror.  I take a look too.

One friend was concerned about opening herself up to a new relationship after several years' hiatus and a painful breakup.  As she shared her worries -  What if he breaks her heart, could she endure it if it didn't work out, what if she was meant to be alone after all? I felt deeply for her - hidden just below these thoughts were truly primal fears that so many of us share. 

Several minutes into the chat, we had a good chuckle:  The truth was, though they'd spent a little time getting to know each other, the man hadn't even asked her on a first date yet.  Isn't it typical of the mind:  to have us married off, divorced and devastated before we've even had dinner and a movie!

Our natural defense system is amazing - it will set off alarms at the first sign of danger. Like the best military tacticians, our hearts and minds join forces to protect and defend at all costs.  And those costs are mighty:  it might mean living a life that is comfortable, but not quite vibrant... that is safe, but not out on the edge of adventure and love and creativity.  And, as we all know, no one gets through life unscathed by surprise attacks anyway.

I just read a marvelous passage from the book, The Alchemist... In the scene, our protagonist has traveled across the desert with a large caravan and at last arrives at the oasis.  Upon greeting the new visitors, oasis leaders request that everyone hand over any weapons as part of their policy of peace.  Our shepherd is taken aback when his travel mate removes a revolver.  "Why do you carry a gun?" the boy asks his friend.  "It makes me feel safer around people," he replied.

I love this passage - how many times do we insist that what we are doing is protecting ourselves from "danger" when in reality we are simply proving that we do not trust in our own innate safety... in our own ability to thrive in this life.  We are, in fact, lugging around ammo that is unneccessary at best and dangerous to self and others at worst.

Our weapons vary greatly - we vote a certain way to protect our interests, we keep certain people close and others at a distance to protect our hearts, we shut down our emotions or burst out in anger during heated discussions to protect our way of thinking.  We say no, when we'd rather say yes.  We take the safe job rather than the one that makes our hearts sing.  We stay in a place or a relationship beyond its benefit.  And yet these merely give the appearance of protection from "harm."

The reality is that our best weapon is faith in Life (or God or Karma or the Universe) itself... Faith that we can handle anything that is presented to us - a break up, a move, a set back, a new job, an illness.  All are lessons.  All allow us to grow and to more surely feel Life itself saying YES on our behalf!

So when you hear the alarm bell - or you've divorced an idea before you've even let it tickle the spot in your mind that says... maybe the sky won't fall - maybe it will be absolutely glorious!*  You may want to give Trust an extra spin.  And dream big...  and love deep.

Keep it real people, the drama is only make believe!

Love,
Brandy

* I am certain I pilfered this little line... just not sure if it was from the tiny paper tags on my teas or from a book - but thanks to the author regardless!

Whistle while you wait...

I was scheduled for an interview this morning at 10:45 at a local Starbucks.  As I sat drinking my water infused with blackberry essence (does anyone know exactly what that IS?), my interviewer called apologetically to say that she was still in a meeting and asked how flexible my schedule was.

Ummmm... pretty flexible.

So I sat there, enjoying an hour of solitude, taking in the stream of caffeinated humanity, and decided to pull out my notepad to write.  It was a wonderful hour.

In my last post, I mentioned the idea of being present and aware, and enjoying what we have while waiting for other parts of life to unfold.  A few friends laughingly reminded me that, while nice in theory, it is a little hard to pull off when, say... the bills come due, or the scorpion crawls across your kitchen floor, or you think your biological clock is just a hair away from all-out blitzkrieg.

So I share a few thoughts and bits of insight below that might help - whether you are waiting for an interview, a new home, a baby, a miracle, a raise, a life partner or a vacation... Ideas for happiness while you wait.

1. Believe. Believe that whatever dreams you may have come from somewhere far bigger and more powerful than just YOU.  And something far bigger and more powerful than your brain is plotting and orchestrating so that you can achieve your goals.
2. Fertilize your positivity.  Make sure that the ground beneath you is ripe for positive thoughts by surrounding yourself with encouraging books, movies, music and people.  You'll soon gravitate towards those that make you feel better and gently guard yourself against those that do not.  * A short list of my faves are listed at the bottom of this post.
3. Get specific. Whether you have had one dream seared across your soul since birth, or you are just starting to sense a new desire bubble to the surface - take time to clear away anything that smells of fear and focus only on all that you want. 
4. Write it down. You might want to take a sheet of paper and do what I call "blue sky" writing.  Start painting the best-cast scenario of your goal with words... make it your own variety of perfection.  For example: "I want to live in an adorable home near the water with lots of quirky details and sunny windows, a reading nook, plants everywhere, a big porch, a modern kitchen with an island for entertaining, a hunky husband, a fat cat, a lovely summer garden and gobs of ugly tomatoes. Oh, and a job would be nice too."
5. Now... ignore your thoughts. That's right. Because as soon as you start painting this picture, your thoughts are going to whisper, "Hmmmm.... how do you think you can buy a house on your salary? ... and who is this husband fellow? ... and honey, tomatoes aren't going to grow in the shade."
6. Count your blessings!  OK, so you don't own a house yet - this means that you have a lot of other things to be grateful for:  financial freedom, the ability to travel, no lawn duty, extra time and money.  So celebrate all that you have and give gratitude to the Universe, to God, to karma, or whatever it is that you believe in.  You have a lot more than you may realize.
7. Stay busy. Sometimes there are clear-cut action steps that will move you closer to your wish, dream, goal or desire.  At other times, when you exhaust everything you know to do, you must simply let go and focus on your attitude.  That means taking notice when a negative thought meanders by (and it will) and finding your own special medicine to stop it in its track. The best trick I know is to do something, anything, productive.  Do sit ups, send out a resume, call a friend and ask how THEY are doing, make a card and send it, lend a helping hand, go for a run.  Then, even while you wait, you will have strengthened friendships, thrown out good juju, and maybe even tightened up those abs a little bit.  I'm just sayin'.

I for one am a born dreamer. I've always wanted life to look a certain way - I've wanted to be smiling, to be happy and healthy and peaceful. To have wonderful people in my life to love and to be loved by.  And I believe that desire is one of the most glorious gifts of being human - it is literally how we create our lives.  If you don't like your current situation, change something. If you see something over there that calls to your soul, take one feeble step, then another towards it.

And then, when you are hot on the trails of a long burning dream and you can literally smell the heat coming off it - you will know that you have enjoyed the entire path to getting there.  Now that is living!

Friends... I hope you leave rubber on the tarmac!
- Brandy


PS - The interview finally took place over lunch several hours later than expected.  I met four of their team members - and I think it is safe to say that I got the job.  A freelance project for a great marketing and events firm that will keep me busy and in good company "while I wait."  Hmmmmm.... is that whistling I hear?



As promised - positive books and web sites:
TUT.com  (sign up for the daily "messages from the Universe" - you'll love them!)
happiness-project.com (great articles on bringing more happy into your day)

Artist's Way by Julia Cameron
The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra
Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Please let me know your favorite "feel good" books and sites!